Ok so Sarah, Mimi and Theresa got kicked off.  I was going to wait a couple of episodes to give the new house dynamic a fair shake.

Time’s up.

So the five girls who hated Sarah basically just hate the two new girls…and follow each other around in probably one of the most boring half-dressed gangs (ehem, wolf pack) ever…

All they do is eat and talk shit.

I’m not joking.

Here they are eating and talking shit in the kitchen:

No one can tell this is a bottle of Coke because I put electrical tape over the middle of the label…dear Oxygen meet packaging as brand identity.

Here they are eating and talking shit in the living room:

“Wolf Pack” girls look like they’re still auditioning for a part on The View…HA

Oh, and when the five of them decided to finally stop talking shit and do something…this is what they settled on:

1. We should come in really loud and wake them up.
2. Let’s put all of the plants in front of their door.
3. I’m going to pour water on Janelle when she’s sleeping (Tiana).
4. I’m going to pour tomato juice on the new girl’s bed (Jazmone).
5. Let’s rip off of Sarah’s idea and put a baby monitor in their room.

——–>>>Nothin’ like going through all the trouble of buying and sneaking a baby monitor into Janelle and Andrea’s room only to find out THEY’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU…. That’s almost worse than them actually talking shit…HA!

Really, you’re not even going to take the sheets off first? C’mon.

I feel like once a week I’m watching the feed of a hacked laptop webcam on the second floor of some random overpriced collegiate dorm.

I’m sorry, I thought this was the BAD GIRLS CLUB…not season 100 of BIG BROTHER…

Black Barbie White Barbie

Now Janelle and Andrea put dirt in the hyena girls’ makeup…that shit’s hilarious.  You know why?  It’s devious as fuck and they’ll NEVER find out unless someone confesses…

“Black Barbie White Barbie” Making the best of a typical situation, Janelle and Andrea team up to have fun.

…brings a whole new meaning to “Bare Minerals” HA!

Why they hate Janelle: Did she really pop Gigi from behind?

Gigi was popping off in Janelle’s face for no reason…with big ass dangly earrings on and her hair down…halfway through the argument she realized she was ill  equipped to defend herself if Janelle decided to cash that cheque.

Gigi put her back to Janelle and took a couple steps away while taking her earrings out and putting her hair up……instead of waiting for Gigi to finish prepping  and rush her from the other end of the room, Janelle popped Gigi, from behind while she was taking her earrings out.

Popping from behind isn’t cool but when the person’s clearly prepping for a fight what are you going to do?  Wait for them to come at you or strike when you have the advantage?

“They gettin’ me drunk son!” ~Gina aka “Gigi” …damn I thought this chick was going to be so chill…I hope she redeems herself from the mob mentality before the end.

I don’t think Gigi was walking away, she turned her back to prep for a fight assuming Janelle wouldn’t hit her from behind.  Gigi chose poorly, she should have never started shit unprepared to begin with…

Of course they hated her before this incident, I think it has more to do with her being a tall, thin shade thrower (hair whipping Jazmone) and that the Gigi thing just gave them an excuse to look less bad for ganging up on Janelle.

Why they hate Andrea

Andrea took a stand against the hyena girls ganging up on Janelle.  Everyone hated her the moment she walked in the door because surprise, she’s tall and thin.  I’m not making that up, they actually said it:

“Blonde hair, slim, pink dress, definitely Becky…”Becky” is just a name that I give white girls that look like her.” ~Jazmone

What if Andrea said about Jazmone: “long weave, big butt, tight jeans, definitely Shaniqua…”Shaniqua” is just a name that I give black girls that look like her.”

Mmmmhmmm.  Not cute.

“She’s too tall, I can’t even look at her too long, my neck start hurt-in” ~Stephanie

I think if these girls gave Andrea a chance they might have more fun.

Neeeeeeexxxxxxttttt!

…now it looks like everyone’s turning on Shanae because she’s a shit talker.

Not really sure what she did to stand out as a shit talker amongst shit talkers…but it’s becoming clear that Andrea and Janelle are avoiding the hyenas so they’ve got to find a new target now.

Basic normal girl gang crap…the target stops responding and the only thing keeping them together is conflict…so instead of chilling out and being cool they search for a new target, even if the only source must come from within the group.

IN short, girl gangs are cannibalistic.  Actually, cannibalism might make this show more interesting.  Instead of Chicago they should film Season 12 on Donner Lake…

I’ve got to travel a bit…don’t worry, I’ll be back in time to talk about RHOA, RHOBH and OMG what was that preview about Brandi going off on Lisa…I feel like maybe she’s going off on someone else (my guess is Kyle) but they’re editing it to look like she’s going off on Lisa…u never know (but you bet I’ll be back to talk about it)!!! :-)

Shhh I’m working on my street cred.

*cheers*

Due to the necessary intake of ibuprophen this season I wouldn’t be surprized if a biopsy of my liver got confused with one from Ramona Singer…

This season we were treated to an especially pitch perfect form of torture: Week after week of Adriana DeMoura and Lea Black yelling at each other.

Awesome.

WTF was that shit between Lisa and Joanna?!?

I really miss Lisa, Joanna and Kerent as the three musketeers.

Shit like this is what makes the housewives fun!

It was like Joanna thought…that if she made people question Lisa’s past they’d stop questioning hers.  Sorry sweetheart, that’s not how it works…but bonus points to Lisa for knowing what an Internet Troll is!

Why did I get the feeling Lea was planting seeds to keep the girls at each other?! Hm.

Loved Lea this season!

I do give Lea mad credit for standing her ground this season…I would have too.  Adriana’s only mad at herself because she thought she didn’t need Lea anymore and she had no idea how powerful Lea was…and Lea’s not stupid as fuck to be fooled by crocodile tears, public opinion or begging.  Sorry Adriana, you’re cut off…time to find a new mark (RUN LISA RUN!).

Your time is up, go home (and leave Lisa alone…she’s too sweet to be caught up in your game).

Adriana was so out of her league fucking with Leah…and we saw it with the preemptive trip to visit her Texas family/friends.  She knew Adriana was going to go after her past and she very smartly nipped that shit in the bud…all while inviting neutral Lisa to tell the story…nice work Lea.

Although…

I wouldn’t be surprised if Lea’s secretly backing the society blocking Lisa’s Star Island house renovation…remember Lea wanted the house but no one would sell it to her?  Makes you think.

Thank you Lisa and Leni for not adding another awkward hot tub scene to the Real Housewives franchise. I’m not being facetious, it was actually cute!

This basically tells me the Hochsteins > the Blacks in Miami society…hence why Lea is close to Lisa.  Lea needs Lisa, she’s just very good at making it look like everything’s the other way around.

Who cares if you work…

Were these bitches seriously arguing about who works?  Yes.  Yes they were.  WHAT SHOW ARE YOU ON?!?!?!  Come on.

Joanna does deserve some manner of credit, she was on Dancing With the Stars BEFORE the Real Housewives.  She’s self made…the hard way (pick your own definition of ‘hard’ but until I see proof it’s all haters talking shit on the internet…).

I think all she wants is for someone to acknowledge this…and I’m pretty sure the Real Housewives is the worst place to seek a pat on the back for one’s work ethic.

Watching the Real Housewives argue about work is like watching the Bad Girls Club try to explain Schrödinger’s Cat…

Look, most of you married your money.  Period.  Get over it.  The sooner you stop trying to sell us something other than reality the easier you’ll sleep at night (because we’re not buying it, silly)….at least Lisa owns it.

And no, all your ‘swag’ doesn’t count as a job.  Deal with it.

Just because I can get M&M’s that say MissUndercity doesn’t mean I’m fucking Willy Wonka (haha that sounds sticky), stop taking yourselves so damn seriously and get on with laughing your happy ass all the way to the bank.  Shit.

Alexia vs Joanna and Lisa

For a coked up 80′s club kid who drinks with her son you sure have quite the monumental stick up your ass!

You want to analogize behavior…how about you compare yourself to Lisa and Joanna at THEIR AGE…and let the girls have their bachelorette party you silly cow.

All the resources…no drive. Part of me thinks he really needs treatment for depression. There’s something missing like there’s an elephant in the room at his house during family dinner that no one touches with a ten foot pole…and it drives him nuts.

Lea controls Alexia through Herman.  It’s funny to watch.  I don’t think Herman’s controlling, I think Herman doesn’t want his wife embarrassing him on a show watched by his business associates.

More Deadbeat Adult Children

Oh Alexia, our blonder, taller version of Caroline Manzo…Alexia, darling, Egypt called, they want their river back.

I could turn your euphemisms into a drinking game, acting surprised at his behavior must be a full time job (so I guess Alexia DOES work…HAHA).

Really, it’s unfair to expect Peter to grow up when Alexia won’t let him.

Those knuckles…also, shocker? Ur doin’ it wrong.

Image Source.

Peter could rent a white beach house, throw a party, paint the whole thing purple at three in the morning and Alexia would invent a story about how the house was originally purple and the colour was bleeding through due to Miami humidity.  #girlbye

Lea vs Marysol

Ok, first of all, let me state that it’s very obvious Lea Black pulls the strings on RHOM…and maybe that’s why the show’s failing.  Go hard at Lea and you’re going home.

“You’re louder than your dress!”

All it amounts to is:

Marysol hates the fuck out of Lea and hates the fuck out of the fact that Lea and Mama Elsa have a great relationship.  Mama Elsa and Lea are close and Marysol tried to use her mother’s hospitalization to ruin that relationship by telling everyone but Lea the truth about how bad it was.

…which was pretty FUCKED UP…and I couldn’t be happier that it backfired.

Hermes leather wrap bracelets? Fuck yes please!!!

I think next season might be the last, and I think Lea knows it too…hence the overnight web presence, insane marketing and product hawking…she realized it’s not going to last forever and she was so caught up in all the drama she almost went home with nothing!

What will save the show?

Balance out Lea with an equally powerful Miami native…feature Lisa’s parties more…get rid of the scam artist and the blonde Manzo.

P.S.  Marta, thanks for following my advice.  BFE Pennsylvania is probably the best place to ‘RUN’ to (if you don’t want anyone to follow, that is…) HA!

Ok, why is Ryan Culberson and his pet *ehem* wife still filming RHOC?  Please go away…your fifteen minutes are over.

The only difference between Ryan/Brianna and Vicki/Brooks is about 30 years and two babies.  There, I said it.  Cue the Circle of Life.

If you’re not into Rocky Mountain Oysters don’t try Lamb Fries…

Every time these two are on screen it’s cringworthy…after last season I was hoping they’d disappear into their own personal hell but noooooooooo…they’re back like a turd that won’t flush…

Vicki asks Briana a question…Briana looks at Ryan…Ryan nods…Briana answers question…

REALLY!?

Briana looks to her master, before answering her mother’s question

The way they torture Vicki is just appalling.  Humiliating her and holding her grandson over her head, it’s disgusting.  And then in confessional claiming Vicki’s never there?  It looks more like they’re playing a passive aggressive invitation game, inviting Vicki when they know she can’t make it….

Respect is Earned…

Ryan calls Vicki “disrespectful”…and 5 minutes later (tv time of course lol) openly disrespects her while she’s filming her own show!

Ryan asked Vicki, “do you like shrimp”…Vicki responds, “yes”…so of course Ryan does the honorable thing:

…ordered testicles, gave frustratingly vague (but still honest) answers when Vicki asked what it was…and tried to get her to eat it on camera…

At least the wait staff was honest:

What are lamb fries?

The worst part was watching Brianna laugh, looking out the side of her eyes to make sure Ryan saw her laughing at her Mother…

While a part of Briana genuinely enjoys fucking with Vicki…it’s also obvious she’s disrespecting her Mother for Ryan’s approval.

Honestly, it’s deep fried testicles…shit like this would be funny on the Bad Girl’s Club but it’s hard to watch someone go out of their way to make someone else feel uncomfortable…especially if that person is the grandmother of their children.

Oklahoma House Buying…/yawn

What a joke…Brianna gushing over how 400K (USD) will get you SOOOOO much more in Oklahoma (which I don’t doubt…if you can recognize quality) …but the 350K house has hollow doors and ceramic tile?  Really?  I bet you have a $3,000 plastic purse too…and Ryan made you cut it up one evening to prove that you don’t need expensive things to be happy (ok that was a little dark…but so was that the Season 8 Finale…).

Oh and I love how Brianna took a few minutes to cry about how life is hard on her…because she wanted to be a traveling nurse…do MSF (Doctors Without Borders)…but sacrificed to have a family.

OK.  We all watched you grow up on Real Housewives…

REALITY CHECK

YOU started talking to a married guy online

YOU ran away to meet him in person

YOU got knocked up and

YOU married him in a drive through Las Vegas wedding chapel.

…….Seriously.

Maybe right about now you’re realizing it’s not all it cracked up to be…

But don’t for one second act like you sacrificed anything.  You weren’t forced into anything, you made your choice.  Now I wonder how many more years you’ll keep acting like everything’s “ok” until you finally can’t take it anymore.

Ok, Moving ON…

Oh Ryan, I hope you peak at E6 you silly wanker.  You’ll get respect when you deserve it…from everyone you don’t terrorize that is…

Look, I don’t hate the kid…but I see through his shit and I’m tired of it wasting air time on the Real Housewives of Orange County!

On Sunday evening (June 8th) at an East Vancouver gas station Jeffrey Chang and Mia Deakin (daughter of Jody Claman from the Real Housewives of Vancouver) were wounded in a drive by shooting.

Mia Deakin suffered a gunshot to the shoulder, was taken to the hospital and is in stable condition.  Her male companion, and noted Wolf Pack gangster, Jeffrey Chang was shot in the hand, and according to eyewitness accounts, fled the scene and was found by Police, treated for injury and arrested on a prior warrant.

Mia Deakin a.k.a. Mia Claman, daughter of Jody Claman was the victim of a drive by shooting Sunday night.

It is believed that this shooting is connected to another occurring the night before in which Thanh Tung Tran, a drug dealer with ties to rivals of the Wolf Pack (Billy’s Crew and the Dhak brothers), was shot to death.

SOURCE

Click here to read Kim Bolan’s Vancouver Sun article (link opens in new window).

Any information?  Contact Vancouver Police Department Robbery/Assault Unit at (604)717-2541 or Crime Stoppers at 1(800) 222-8477

…while it’s a blast to take the piss out of these people we see on TV, they are…at the end of the day…people.

Finally, the REAL Real Housewives are back.  I was wondering how long Bravo was going to hold the franchise hostage by airing NOTHING but that thinly disguised (and poorly staged) campaign to get the Guidices out of jail time.  Gross.

Moving on: RHOBH!

It looks like the producers have finally given up and just flat out hired soap opera actresses….

Normally one goes from Real Housewives to Celebrity Apprentice, not the other way around…but we’re halfway into the season and I’m not even sure I’ve had a chance to get to know them but for talking shit about Brandi and kissing Lisa Vanderpump’s ass.  HA.

Poker Drama

Every poker party has that girl who pretends she doesn’t know how to play because she thinks it’s cute.  This works in college…when you’re pushing 50 it’s annoying as shit.

Kim and Brandi are not amused by Kyle and Lisa Rinna’s feigned ignorance.

Kyle’s one of those girls who plays dumb so that no one notices any of the sneaky devious shit she pulls behind everyone’s back.

Remember last season at Yolanda’s house she acted like she didn’t know what an Grammy looked like…/eyeroll

Grammy? Is THAT what those are? I had no idea…!

Fighting over Camera time with Kim

I see Kim getting sucked into the same negativity with her sister that sucked the life out of her to begin with.  Kyle got physical with Brandi first.  It’s on tape and I really don’t have anything else to say about it.  Kyle couldn’t give two shits about Kim when the cameras aren’t rolling…  That’s what this is about.

The Jealousy Issue

It’s not about addiction, it’s about jealousy and how Kim can’t trust Kyle and has most likely confided this to Brandi.  Really, Kyle with the ‘accidental’ wine tasting?  What a sneak.  Not all sisters are like Anna and Elsa.  Some are like the Glenda and the Wicked Witch of the East.

While everyone loves to hate Brandi, I’ll wager half a closet of Lisa Vanderpump’s bedazzled Elvis shirts that Kim’s more than vented to her about how Kyle REALLY treats her…and THAT’S why Brandi was so defensive of Kim.

Stare at that cuff for 30 seconds and keep a straight face.  I dare you.

Lisa losing her luster (ooo dat alliteration)

Lisa Vanderpump is proving rather disappointing this season…I mean how does she go from being Brandi’s ride or die bitch to suddenly feign shock at her behaviour?

Sure they had a falling out but Lisa’s straight up acting like she has NO IDEA what Brandi’s talking about

…this from a woman who owns a pair of swans named “Hanky” and “Panky”…get the fuck out of here.

Brandi’s turn

Really, there are 10,000 other reasons to hate Brandi (like the way she treated Joyce last season…WTF was that?!)…why are you trying so hard to sell the ONE where Brandi’s actually RIGHT!

Let’s be clear, if one of my girlfriends had asked me to sit down with and hear out the “unapologetic twat” who slept with my husband (while I was pregnant with his child no less!)…just so she could justify having said “twat” appear on our reality show…you bet your sweet biscuits I’d be incredulous if she acted like somehow I was at fault for having none of it.

It’s obvious this season is Brandi’s turn to get ganged up on…