Tamara Barney, you’re finally growing up, you’re feeling empowered, you’re finally admitting reality to yourself and becoming self aware…oh and your friends all hate each other, you’re engaged to a guy you’ve already outgrown and your bachelorette party featured more bickering than partying…

For the first time in like EVER I think I feel sorry for Tamara.  If I stop writing it’s because at some point in time I may or may not have told someone to kill me if I ever said that…

anyway…

It looks like Gretchen was more trying to impress Heather and get her Gretchen Christine products on screen (like Bethenney Frankel did in that ‘scary island’ episode of RHONY like 100 years ago…it’s a tacky as fuck ambush endorsement tactic…and I’m glad Kelly Bensimon called her out on it) than actually plan a party for Tamara.

Having Gretchen and Heather throw your bachelorette party reminds me of the side-plot in a mean girls high school movie…you know, the one where the main girl has a falling out with her REAL friends and all of a sudden replaces them with new friends with whom she has NOTHING in common but tries to act like they’ve totally filled in the real friends’ spot by inviting THEM to go shopping for prom dresses only to realize that she has nothing in common with them and she misses her true friends…

It’s LAME that Gretchen and Vicki turned the whole thing into a contest instead of trying to band together to show Tamara a bitchin good time.  It’s like saying, I’m going to sew my friend a wedding dress…well my friend’s other friend is a professional dressmaker but I hate her so I’m not going to ask her help.

Really?  There is no “E” for “Effort” when it comes to bachelorette parties or wedding dresses…you put yourself aside and focus on what’s best for your friend.  Period.

Yes, I’m saying Real Housewives of Orange County is a real life mean-girls acted out by middle aged adolescents…yes, I know I say that a lot.  Hear that?  It’s the sound of no one disagreeing with me….HA!

Tamara’s self discovery (I apologize for the mental image…it’s not like that, I promise)…

…except Tamara is beginning to actually find herself.  Kudos Tamara…congratulations on taking the first steps towards self awareness.

I can almost see Tamara beginning to outgrow Eddie…(not the show, she’s still a shameless attention whore…now she just might be better at owning it…ok maybe that’s too much too soon…) but she’s already signed all these contracts for a wedding spin-off and is probably getting a Cat 797 full of free shit.

This is a Cat 797. It is a big ass dump truck used in mining operations. It’s tires cost $43,000 USD each. No, I’m not joking.

If they make it past the 5 year mark I’ll put ice in my scotch. (the horror!)  …and I mean five REAL years, none of this living apart shit, like “oh he had to work in another country for a year” that shit don’t count.  Five contiguous years of cohabitation.  I fucking dare them.

I’m really impressed that she sat down with Alexis to (although I did notice that she never actually said, “sorry”  mmmhmm) acknowledge her pain.

That’s all Alexis wanted and instead of making a career out of denying her of it (like Kyle does to Kim on RHOBH…ugh) it’s a testament to Tamara’s growth that she realized it’s no sweat off her ass to acknowledge reality instead of perpetuating the tension through passive aggressive feigned ignorance (what? I have no idea what you’re talking about!)…!

I think she really just wants to be friends with Lydia and knows that the whole “I’m going to talk shit about your friend until you have no choice but to choose between me and her” thing isn’t going to work on Lydia like it did on Gretchen…yea, I said it.

Oh, and for the record, it’s not called “women’s empowerment” it’s called “growing the fuck up”…

Caught in the middle. From left to right, Gia Guidice, Milania Guidice and Antonia Gorga…cousins, best friends and pawns in a dominance game between Theresa and Melissa.

Antonia Sends Milania A Letter

Theresa: “Milania, this is for you…but they spelled your name wrong”

Milania: “Hey!  What the heck?”

See how subtle that was?

This is how you manipulate children.  You plant seeds and let them think.

Now ask Theresa this and she’ll stare you straight in the face and say, “Huh, are you crazy?  The name was spelled wrong so I said it, so what?!”

This is how you intimidate adults.  You question the normalcy of their thought process.

So…How Smart Are Kids?

Children are very smart but the very fact that they think they’re smarter than the adults around them also makes them very easy to manipulate.

(the word very is very important in the aforementioned sentence…haha I crack myself up)

Just look at Gia.  She thinks she’s manipulating her mom by telling her what she wants to hear.  Oh I can hear you now, “no…she’s just old enough to see what’s going on…Theresa can’t control that!”

Ok, I can agree with that…although Gia just sounds like she’s parroting things her parents have said on previous seasons…thinking they would have forgotten that they said them, so that when she says them they think she’s coming to the same conclusion on her own.  Oh yes, I remember being 12 years old…HA!

Theresa uses Gia to say the things that she knows she can’t if she still wants to come out of this smelling like a rose…chalking it up to, oh look how smart Gia is, she knows what’s going on!

So Sure, Gia’s Precocious but Who is Manipulating Whom?

Theresa:  “Gia’s smart, she knows I don’t give two shits about Melissa.”

Haha oh Theresa.  Yes, Gia’s smart…she knows that all she has to do is talk shit about Melissa to gain your approval (because she thinks you love Milania more…oh you didn’t think I noticed that?)…you know, like when you guys are shopping…right before trying on an age inappropriate skirt…

Gia is at that delicate stage where she’s refining her technique (she didn’t get the skirt…) testing her mother’s reaction to certain things…saving up brownie points for that time when she’s 15 and wants to date a 22 year old.  Just you wait.

The minute Gia realizes she’s the one being manipulated is the moment she starts plotting to write that book I can’t wait to read…

So…How Smart Are the “Adults”?

This season Theresa is very careful not to laugh or smile every time Gia spouts off about Melissa but do you know what else?  Theresa doesn’t tell her to stop either.  Now Theresa’s smart but not THAT smart.

She thinks if she shows no reaction that people are going to think that she’s not reinforcing the behavior or condoning it.  The part she’s forgetting is that if she were any other person on the planet this would be true…but she’s Gia’s MOTHER.

By not correcting the bad behavior she’s supporting because it’s a MOTHER’s JOB to correct their child if he/she is behaving badly.

How Absurd Is This Really?  A Real Life Analogy…

Think of it this way: You drive your daughter to school.  She’s wearing her pajamas.  When asked by the Headmaster, “How could you let your daughter wear that to school” you say, “It wasn’t me, it was her!”…do you think that’s going to fly?  Hell no!

1.  As a PARENT your child is a walking talking example of what is permitted in your household.  Period.  The fact that children are uncensored make this particularly embarrassing for people who try to live a lie.  (how else would we have found out Theresa and Joe sleep in different rooms…HA!)

2.  As a PARENT it’s your job to say, “No, go up stairs and put your clothes on!”  You’re not making your child look bad because they made a bad decision (wearing pajamas to school) you’re making YOURSELF look bad because you failed to give your child the proper guidance to make the right decision.

Back to Letter-Gate…

So after being overjoyed at receiving a letter from Antonia, Milania says that she should write Antonia back.

*****Now, given the fact that the last time Theresa and Melissa talked was over a year ago and under ugly circumstances…don’t you think any logical human who had a very (haha) real interest in patching things up would just, well, idunno…

…LET THEIR KID WRITE THE FUCKING LETTER AND RESOLVE THE GROWN UP THINGS AT A LOGICAL PACE?  Fuck no.*****

Theresa: “You want to call her up and invite her to a play date?”

**********Right here Theresa’s making a conscious decision to risk her own child’s feelings (what if Melissa just flat out said, “No”) in order to put Melissa on the spot and potentially make her look bad.**********

Theresa: “And we could give her her birthday gift!”

Milania: “Yes!”

**********And here’s Gia, right on cue…**********

Gia: “Just like she invited us to her birthday party…”

Theresa: “Gia…”

Milania: “She didn’t?????!?!?!?!”

Omg the look on Milania’s face is tragic.  The true horror show here is that Milania is going to simmer on this and NO ONE is going to clarify ANYTHING for her.  Poor child.

———->Cue Theresa in a confessional to explain how Gia found out…which *surprise* it’s super complicated and involves Twitter.  Rofl.

Twitter is the New Canada

…you know, because Theresa can’t stop blaming it.

…nevermind the fact that Melissa lives next door…or that an adult (there’s that word again!) would have pointed out a missing invitation at a certain time of year…but a 12 year old on Twitter…

I guess the fact that Theresa is such a shitty liar makes for good tv in it’s own right…LOL!

So Who Really IS the ‘Bigger Person’

…no, not physically, come on we all know the answer to that one (which is probably the reason half this shit is happening in the first place…HA!  $20 says Melissa and Theresa would be best friends if Mel weighed 300 pounds…)

Theresa: “When it comes to Melissa, I have to be the bigger person…because really, her behaviour is not fair to the kids.  And for someone who is so into ‘thank you Jesus’ you would think she’d know that”

It seems to me that the “bigger person” would have just let her daughter write a letter back to her cousin instead of creating this whole awkward situation to begin with…

seriously.

I’ve been following this show with the same degree of loyalty a politician shows his wife…in other words, I abandon it for a while and pay attention to more interesting things and then when I’m bored off my ass I overdose on trying to make up for lost time.

That being said a few things have happened in watching this…because, you see, I’ve also watched every episode of the Bad Girls Club ever (yeah, I know…that’s a whole lot of drunk strippers.  Strangely, I’m ok with this) so I have a few observations:

Pleasantly Surprised by Natalie Nunn

In her season Natalie Nunn was annoying as hell, stupid as hell and all sorts of other things that could be amplified by adding, “as hell” to the suffix (yes, suffix indicates the end of a contiguous word…just roll with me here).

Natalie, Flo, Jennifer and one of the Victor Twins compete in the cereal bed challenge inspired by Judi Jai on BGC7

In Bad Girls All Star Battle Natalie Nunn is smart, funny and fully aware of how much she gets on everyone’s last nerve…taking advantage of that fact to hop up and down mercilessly on it like Alexis Bellino’s trampoline park in Chula Vista (not San Diego…HA!)!

Unlike her season of Bad Girls Club, on which Miss Nunn was basically a hot mess grasping at anything to be the center of attention (attacking a domestic abuse victim on Twitter?  Really?), this time around she’s clearly watched herself and perfected the art.

She officially is what she wishes she was on her BGC season.  It’s like a FULLY REALIZED Natalie, serving fresh Nunn realness…

Grats to you Natalie, I have a new degree of respect for you and your twerk.

Equally Disappointed by Flo

Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you?  That last episode was a page straight out of  the “People Pleaser’s Guide to Being a Stupid Fucking Doormat” no, that’s not a real book…I made it up (but if Melissa Gorga’s going to write one, this is what it SHOULD be called…shit).

In this moment I really thought Flo was about to win the game…no, she’s just lying to Judi, who I hope made those assless shorts in her garage because why in the hell would anyone pay for that shit? No, seriously, if you have an answer I’m dying to know.

Anyone on the sentient side of a coma would have put up Jennifer & Natalie or Danni & Gabbi but you went outside, grandstanded for a good 5 min (I’ll invoice you for my time later) and flipped a coin.

You won’t win.  You basically SENT HOME THE ONLY PERSON THAT WOULD HAVE HAD YOUR BACK.  Now you’re in a house with four people who want you to go home.  Idiot.

Poor Judi, She’s Pure, Honest and always gets screwed.

I love the FUCK out of Judi.  She’s just looking for ONE person not to be a fucking asshole.

She’s not crazy, she’s real and totally herself in every single scene.  Sure, a lot of what she does isn’t for me but it IS her…and she owns it so that gets a big ass gold star in my book!

Judi Jai is that girl who will show her feline at the club. Judi is not the girl who will jump off a bridge about it the next morning. Judi rocks.

WOAH WOAH WOAH…Let me be clear here…This DOES NOT MEAN that you need to show your junk at the club in order to be free, liberated or secure in yourself…c’mon.

Judi is a ‘Bad Girl’ because she doesn’t act like one thing when people are watching and another behind closed doors.

The whole show is full of insecure girls who are afraid to be themselves until they identify with a clique.  From the beginning Judi was always Judi…voodoo doll and everything.

Judi is a Creole Queen and I think out of this show she truly deserves awesomeness.

Quick word about Julie Ofcharski

I hate the way this chick talks.  The whole wannabe baby/valley girl Paris Hilton voice went out in 2009.  It’s not funny or cute it’s just annoying…unless it’s part of your strategy to make everyone think you’re stupid while you run the show.  Sadly, as far as Julie’s concerned, this isn’t the case.

That being said, Julie was actually funny on her BGC season…and I agree with her about dolphins.  She should seriously consider partnering with a good vector artist to release an infographic type book about dolphins as jerks.  I’d buy it, dolphins are assholes.  Cute, smart grinning little assholes.

See! I told you dolphins are pervs! (Julie Ofcharski holds up a dolphin shaped dildo during a Bad Girls Club sex shop excursion)…

…but on All Star Battle she’s just annoying and spent all her time sulking and talking shit.  Way to win.  Not.

About Master Manipulators….

There’s a very easy way to tell the difference between a wannabe and a true mastermind.  The wannabe still wants you to know she’s smart…the mastermind realizes that being underestimated is part of strategy.

This is not to say that Flo and Natalie are the picture of genius…but there is something to be said for experience.

A true master manipulator doesn’t say, “Look at me, I’m the master manipulator!” (like that annoying ass hipster couple on Wedding Wars like 100 years ago…god that chick sooooo self congratulatory! Guess what, she didn’t win…HA!)

Julie is so bloody insecure that she doesn’t waste any time trying to tell everyone how smart she is, how ugly everyone else is and how much she’s the HBIC (Head Bitch in Charge…lol).

Well let me just say right here…there are some things in this world for which the very existence of a label negates their validity…here’s a short list:

1. If you have to tell people you’re smart, you’re not.
2. If you have to tell people you’re hot, you’re not.
3. If you have to tell people you’re in charge, you’re not.
4. The same thing goes for classy, funny, sexy, cool, etc…you get the point.

Hey, I’m not knocking anyone, that’s just the way it is.  I didn’t invent the rules.

I think Margaret Thatcher said it best:

Please note this is in no way a political statement on my part, it’s a damn good quote and it’s the truth.

Image source.

MY CONCLUSION

As much as she’s annoying, Flo plays a good game and I give her credit for beating that Ofcharski girl at her own game but in the immortal words of the internet, “she done fucked up”…

My Predictions!!!

The eliminations will go as follows:

1. Flo or one of the twins
2. The other twin or Flo
3. The other twin
4. Natalie Nunn
5. Jennifer Hardwick wins

***Update 03 July, I was wrong, Natalie just went home, I overestimated Jennifer, I thought she would have seen through Flo’s game.  She didn’t…if I was her I would have gotten rid of Flo before Natalie because Flo is stronger and won like ALL the challenges but /meh***

Flo played a good game and had a good reason for wanting the money (although didn’t she get a wedding special? anyway…) but she’s in a house with 4 other people who want her gone and she’s got no one to thank but herself.  She won’t survive long.

I also fully expect them to pull one of those “surprise voting things” in the final episode…

(like that dream wedding show where that little sociopath played a good game but didn’t win ’cause everyone she fucked over came back to vote for the winner…hang on I have to google it…*insert Jeopardy music here*…10min later…BRIDALPLASTY!  That’s it…lol.  Crazy show.)

Oh, come on, I KNOW I’m not the only one to have watched this train wreck…HA!

Anyway…

The two finalists will face all the eliminated girls and the winner of the Bad Girls All Star Battle to be decided in a vote.

They will all vote for Jennifer, who is fighting for financial stability in order to prove to the court that she can provide for her younger brother currently on parole in a halfway house (I think…that’s what it sounds like but I’m not sure…).

Jennifer Hardwick will win.

I was also rooting for Flo until she did Judi dirty.  That shit ain’t cool.  Natalie’s funny but she don’t need the money…and the Victor twins are just annoying as hell so go go Jennifer, win that money!

Think about it, every season…no matter the plot, Kim D is hanging off of one of the Real Housewives…HA.

I really wish the women in this show would OWN THEIR SHIT.  It’d be 100 times more entertaining!

Never noticed before but Kathy is actually kind of pretty:

Kathy’s (or is it Kathie, Cathie or Cathy oh hell) so over it…the drama between her mother and uncle that is…I’m going to say that there’s more to this than meets the eye and that maybe Theresa’s dad or Kathy’s mom did something unforgivable to the rest of the family…because everyone seems at odds in a serious, “they’re dead to me” kind of way…

Theresa Guidice would be 20% cooler if…

If Theresa just came straight out and said,

———->”I hate the ever loving FUCK out of my sister-in-law, I don’t think she’s good enough for my brother and he treats her better than my own husband treats me, plus she had the first boy grandson and I’m fucking bitter about it!”

I’d buy 10 of everything with her name on it (and donate it to charity because I’m so not into any of that stuff…lol but you get the point!)

Teresa’s father a coward?

Kathy was in her right mind when she called Theresa’s father a coward.  Period.

She might feel bad about it because it’s driven a wedge between her relationship with Theresa but really, was it that comment that caused the rift or was it the excuse Theresa was waiting for to write Kathy off?

I’m inclined to go with the latter.

Theresa’s got a legitimate reason to be pissed…but I’m not so sure this is the real reason she hates Kathy so much…it’s just the most palatable one to the audience.

That’s not saying Kathy was right but for her to back pedal so damn hard on something that she knows to be true is hardcore obnoxious.

It’s clear everyone knows Theresa is full of shit but her parents have thrown their lot in with her.  They do everything in their power to make her look good because her and her husband have sold to them that they’re the most successful of the offspring.

Shit.  If you didn’t speak the language of the country you’ve been living in for 40 years (just a guess), were facing ill health and had two children to choose between what would you do?  Especially if one was always in your ear whispering…

Kim D is the Slade Smiley of RHONJ!

I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner!

Theresa, please, consider your friends.  Kim D?  Really?  Think about it (I can’t believe I just said that…HA ok that was mean…but I’m still laughing…oh hell).

What do you two really talk about?  Sunsets?  The stars?  The Higgs Boson particle?

Or is it every time you’re together she acts like Gia when she wants to buy age inappropriate clothing (ie…talks shit about Melissa Gorga).

Kim D in an ill fitting dress (holy shit girl where do you buy your hair?  ew.) yells at Melissa (in an ill fitting top) about something that’s none of her business while Theresa (who looks fabulous) and Kathy (in a shirt stolen from the set of Interview with the Vampire) look on. Theresa’s got the biggest shit eating grin, hasn’t she…HA!  God I wish she’d just own it…

Image source.

Darling, please don’t surround yourself with vultures in your success…you are the second most compensated “real housewife” and that counts for something in the eyes of scavengers…

Honestly, I don’t worry for Theresa vis a vis Kim D ’cause the second Lady Slade starts to overstep her bounds I don’t doubt for one minute that Theresa will forget about her…(and Kim D knows it, that’s why she kisses Theresa’s ass so hard, all she wants is camera time…)

…but there’s something to be said for ‘birds of a feather flock together’…and Theresa’s better than Kim D.

…the minute Theresa casts Kim D aside is the minute Lady Slade starts trying to be friends with Melissa or Jacqueline.  Not joking.  Vultures are loud and predictable.

A Word about Rosie’s Overcompensation…

Dear Rosie, what the heck was with your little scotch monologue?

“I’m not fuckin’ Amish. I like smokin’ a cigarette and drinkin’ a scotch…I’m like ‘hey bro, u got some moonshine back there?’”

People who drink scotch on ice while pretending they’re all about scotch and manliness do so because they read in some shitty men’s magazine that it’s the “manly classy” thing to do.

No, it’s not.  Period.

You just look stupid.

Ice shuts out the bouquet, destroys the nose, ruins the flavor and as far as tasting is concerned it’s truly abhorrent.

Look, I’m not saying that you HAVE to drink scotch neat to like scotch…but I AM saying if you’re going to act like you’re ALL ABOUT scotch pls at least know something about it. (ehem, Mauricio…ugh)

Please stop trying so hard, I like you because you’re too cool for that shit…don’t prove me wrong!

…10 seconds after looking effeminate in the first frame (above this one…) Rosie overcompensates by assuming her Andy Capp posture…/groan

Darling Rosie,

You don’t have to overplay masculine stereotypes to be taken seriously, prove that you mean business or show that you’re, “one of the guys” above all the girlie drama…just be yourself!

You’re dangerously close to turning yourself into a caricature.

Please don’t…I actually LIKE you!

Kathy’s Quiet Wisdom…

“I wish them both the best, I wish them both reconciliation but I tried, many times; and I don’t want to put myself in that middle again because then I’m the bad guy…I think the more time that you allow to get between you, the more time you learn to live without each other.”

Wow, Kathy’s spot on…I think SHE deserves a radio show and a book deal!

Kathy is what Caroline Manzo wishes she was.  If only Kathy realized it…

So damn tired of these RHONJ Manzo kids.  Go away.  Please.  You’re annoying, spoiled and the fact that your mom is in denial about it only makes it harder to watch.  Ew.

This show has made me realize that kids are a shitty ass investment…if you’re a self absorbed parent with an inability to see the big picture, that is.

Every season Caroline’s throwing money into the wind hoping that her lazy ass kids will somehow catch a dollar and figure out how to parasail!

Christopher and Albie Manzo have had more career changes before 30 than a gypsy king!

No, it’s not like that!

Let me be clear, I don’t hate the Manzo kids or think they’re stupid as fuck…quite the opposite in fact.  They’ve figured out that as long as they pitch it to Mom like they’re starting a business they’ve got an unlimited safety net.

They’ve truly mastered the, “I’m trying to make a name for myself, please invest in my future, Mom!” look…instead of the, “Give me money for a sports car and a condo” demand…and Caroline’s a sucker every time.

This just about disqualifies her for every aspect of parenting advice…EVER.

What are you really teaching them?

There’s no consequence for their shitty inability to follow through.  Every time a business venture fails oh, here’s Mama Manzo with more money (hello there alliteration, it’s been a while hasn’t it my love!) so they can try something new!

The three Manzo kids attend a party in 2011. Source: Michael Loccisano/Getty Images North America

Image Source.

…Ooooh Albie’s going to become a lawyer!  No, wait, he’s going to become a police officer!  No, hang on a minute…he’s going to be a marketing executive.  Holy shitballs now he’s managing a restaurant.

NO.  JUST STOP.  PLEASE!

He’s not qualified to do any of that shit and the fact that you keep shoving down a viewer’s throat that somehow he’s worked his ass off to achieve any of this is pretty hard for me to swallow.

Also, can we please put a moratorium on the word “fight” as a replacement for “work hard” in reality television?  Just because you’re a “fighter” doesn’t mean you get to skip reading a book.  Learn how to do it right and you wouldn’t have to “fight”…

Common sense eludes them in the face of a seemingly quick buck and that’s why they’ll fail every time.

…who the FUCK will want to drink BLACK WATER marketed out of New Jersey.

No, seriously…anyone with an OUNCE of education (or just common sense, really) wouldn’t have touched that investment with a TEN FOOT POLE.

…If Star Wars was still owned by George Lucas there’d be a red hot cease and desist letter about this…knowing Disney they’ll prolly license these jerks to use Darth Vader on the bottle.

Thankfully Caroline (albeit unintentionally) sets the record straight:

———->”For the past two years the boys have worked hard to establish BLK but they’re not seeing the revenue to pay themselves, you know, as they’d like…the Littletown Restaurant gives them the opportunity to draw a salary…”

Read that again.  It’s exactly what you think it is.  …except for that “worked hard” part, I think we all saw how “hard” they were working on BLK last season (ha).

Oh, and for the record, all the branding and marketing is done by a firm called “BrandFire” in New York, NOT the Manzos…

The elusive six-figure no show job…

The problem is that these kids want to start a business and then draw a six figure (USD) salary while paying everyone else minimum wage to run it.

In giving them money for every business venture Caroline thinks she’s making them work for success…instead she’s like the ultimate investor in everyone’s failed get rich quick scheme.

She would have done better to invest the money with a real entrepreneur with a REAL business plan and then just give her deadbeat adult children a fucking trust fund off of the returns.

Seriously.

Here’s a picture of Rich Wakile putting his finger in the mouth of a patient dummy at his daughter’s nursing school.

On to the restaurant…

“Ginger, Tabasco, Onions, NICE!”  (ginger and tabasco sauce, really?)

…I’m not sure about Little Town, is it a franchise and they own the NJ one?  There’s one in Union Square (NY) and I’m pretty sure it’s independent of the Manzo kids…but they’re both on the same website so idunno.

What I DO know is that if it fails they’ll blame the poor chef, who is probably underpaid and accepting of this because of the camera time on RHONJ…

…not knowing that these shit bags could throw him under the bus at any time because it’s their show…(and ruin his career) regardless of the legitimacy of his work…

A final word

…maybe the Manzo kids aren’t lazy, maybe they don’t have a nonexistent work ethic (double negative, I know), maybe they just look bad because their mom over represents their role in everything on tv (because really the Manzo boys look little more than spokes-models regarding the Blk Water thing).

You know what Caroline?  I’d respect you a shit ton more (than not at all HA) if you just said, “my kids aren’t geniuses but they’re MY KIDS and I’ll support them in anything they do”

Period.

Because that’s exactly what’s going on here.

“There’s been rumors out there that I don’t write my own blogs…and that I don’t cook.  Really?” ~Theresa Guidice

Ok.

Let’s cut the shit.

Here’s the formula for Season 5

1. Everyone’s horrible to each other in public
2. Everyone calls everyone else to gossip about it
3. Theresa makes some long ass explanation of why she’s not responsible for something
4. Rinse and repeat until retreat

If I wanted to watch a bunch of middle aged women talk shit about their in-laws for an hour I’d join a wino (pun intended) book club…

Look, just about NOTHING interests me LESS than watching Theresa Guidice proceed to type with ONE FINGER to dispel rumors that she doesn’t write her own blog.

What? Me worry?

Have you READ her fucking blog?  It’s like SIX FUCKING PAGES of her EXPLAINING SHIT…EVERY WEEK…

Perfectly. Explaining. Everything.

Like she’s got the world’s most obnoxious timeline taped to the wall in her guest room like she’s freakin’ Jean Valjean.

Does Theresa type her own blog?  Who cares!  I think the question was, does she WRITE it…

/yawn

OMG Rich Wakile please shut up!

Oh silly little Rich Wakile, you’re exactly what happens when someone is a manager at a retail store and all of a sudden thinks because his shit sells that somehow he’s a fucking businessman.  Gasoline has inelastic demand.  Of course it sells.

Sometimes I can’t tell if he’s trying to sabotage Kathy by overwhelming her…or if he’s actually just that ignorant and truly trying to help…

On a side note, for some reason I always thought Rich was a lawyer…?  I must have gotten him mixed up with someone else like 3 seasons ago and it stuck.  Oh well.

Rich Wakile proposes gas station packaging for Kathy’s line of premium cannolis…poor Kathy!  She’s sunk before she starts!

Anyway…

Shut up and stop it.  Please.  Leave Kathy alone…she’s right!

…and even, albeit unintentionally you, MADE HER ARGUMENT FOR HER.

Cutting that ribbon, throwing away the top of the box…that’s part of the EXPERIENCE of Kathy’s Cannolis, it’s part of the VALUE of the product…derp.

Shit like perceived is so powerful it can even affect how a consumer thinks something tastes!  Come on, you HAVE to have seen at least ONE of those documentaries, I’m not even being elitist here, it’s just common sense.

“I married a housewife not an entrepreneur…”

It’s like Rich is the king of McGyver support…, “Here Kathy, do what you want…with this paperclip and rubberband…see!  I told you that you were no good at building a rocket!”

You just sound ignorant as hell and I would feel sorry for you except that your ego is so obnoxious.

Hear that?  It’s the sound of at least 10,000 MBA kids writing Andy Cohen a letter.

Can’t wait for you to get owned at the Reunion or on Watch What Happens Live, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ it’s a matter of ‘when’…

…unless the Guidices and the Gorgas bring knives or something…and turn the whole thing into a terrible 4′ tall version of Gangs of New York…lol.

Quick word about Tamra’s wedding dress shopping

The whole time I’m crossing my fingers saying to myself “Oh please Gretchen don’t try on a dress, oh pls Gretchen don’t try on a dress…”

She didn’t.  Whew.  After seeing her leave the house in a red coat dress and huge engagement ring (for someone ELSE’s wedding dress shopping trip) I totally expected her to be embarrass herself.

In Gretchen’s defense, she was dressed to attend a speaking engagement later in the day so she gets a pass on the “OMG LOOK AT ME” outfit.

Lauri Peterson…/sigh

To say that I wasn’t altogether optimistic about Lauri’s return to RHOC  would be putting it mildly but I thought I’d give her a couple episode head start before I started calling her out…

Here goes.

Lauri is that girl who heard a rumor about you and repeats it…she doesn’t say more than what she heard or saw but lets her audience fill in the blanks with their own imagination.  That way she can’t be called a liar.

I saw Vicki in the same room as two other people…OMG THREESOME! lol.  Thanks a lot, bitch, that’s a visual all the bleach in the world won’t erase.  God I hate you.

She thinks this is clever (lol).  The way this woman grand stands while saying nothing at all is astounding.

If I wanted to hear rumors about people I didn’t know I’d sit at a bar in WeHo, order an overpriced margarita and pretend to play with my iPhone for an hour…  Duh.

OMG best song ever.

Anyway, I hope Lori adds more to the plot than rumors about Vicki and Brooks.  That shit already bores me.

Brooks’ pornstar adventures: My take

This girl probably went out to lunch with Brooks ONCE…being a young girl in Hollywood, in order to overstate her importance she may or may not have exaggerated to impress her friends…with unintended consequences.

…you know, like Natalie Nunn did on Bad Girls Club when she said she dated Chris Brown (who to this day says he doesn’t know who the fuck Natalie is…lol)

I’m not going to defend Brooks.  He definitely has that “10 wives in 10 different states” type vibe about him…

but you know what else?  VICKI IS AN ADULT and has a right to

1. Pursue happiness
2. Make mistakes
3. Spend her money however she wants (infact I’d wager this has more to do with Brianna’s behavior than Brooks…she doesn’t like the competition)

My take on Brianna

Holding your mother hostage by withdrawing your affection and access to her grandson is NOT going to solve anything and running around acting like YOU know what’s best for her is fucking absurd.

It’s childish, annoying and quite frankly it terrifies the fuck out of me that you have a child of your own.

Take care of yourself first because I can see straight through your façade, sweetheart, and let me tell you something…deployment isn’t a magical eraser.  All the problems will still be there when he comes home.  You can call me a bitch all you want.  I’m right.

Girl, I wish you the best but you’re t minus 25 years away from being Tamra Barney.

Yes, you can quote me on that :-)

“I don’t understand how she’s made it this far!’ ~Ja’Nel expresses her frustration at Susan Heaton’s magical ability to avoid elimination in Hell’s Kitchen.

On American television they fuzz out the mouth when someone cusses in addition to bleeping the actual word…lol.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

You know that one person in the starting line-up of a reality show that isn’t as qualified as everyone else but for some reason you also KNOW they’re going to make it really far…and not in the inspiring kind of underdog way but in the annoying as hell “slipping under the radar undetected because someone else always stands out as worse and gets eliminated instead” kind of way…?

I don’t know why this happens but my best guess is that they’re related to a producer or the cousin of some random celebrity and they go on the show to pad their resume because they really don’t have the education or the experience to actually qualify for the job in real life.

My theory: Susan was only on the show to get a black jacket.

How funny is it that the two episodes on which Gordon Ramsay didn’t eliminate anyone also happen to be the two episodes where Susan stood out as a frontrunner for elimination.  The other episodes she’s almost nonexistent except for when she shouts stuff to be heard on camera.

Gordon Ramsay said he was only giving out four black jackets, but then he gave five! Susan was eliminated after getting a black jacket…interesting (not really, but you get my point HA!).

It did look like she rocked the meat station once but really I haven’t seen her do much else.  She is very smart I’ll give her that.  Susan is very well aware of when Chef Ramsay is in the Red Kitchen and carefully times her communication so that he doesn’t hear her say she’s fucked up.

Fake it ’till you make it

Her timing is off, she doesn’t have general knowledge, can’t cook lamb, and looks at pressure cookers and rice cookers like they’re something out of Star Wars.  You don’t need to go to college to be an amazing chef but you should at least have a passion for food.  Come on!

As someone who has no culinary background whatsoever it’s obvious to even me that she’s faking it till she makes it.  I’ll take that back if she ACTUALLY finishes culinary school after Hell’s Kitchen, but she won’t.  After the show she’ll become an apprentice with some celebrity chef and get some job based purely on name recognition.

These “resume padders” usually don’t win (but sometimes they do…I called the winner of MasterChef USA on the first episode…and that’s why I don’t watch it anymore…) but they do get far enough to have a pretty good bullet on their resume so that they can “qualify” for an executive level job in the field in question with out actually getting the 5-8 years experience required of any other normal person.

In other words, it’s basically cleverly disguised modern nepotism.  How does someone with six months worth of community college classes get onto Hell’s Kitchen anyway?

“Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

Sure, there are several jobs that require you to actually DO them…and several others that a reasonably intelligent person could learn within a few weeks given the chance to slip into the seat.  All you need are the right connections :-)

Susan will put “Hells Kitchen Black Jacket” on her resume and probably become a “restaurant consultant”…  Either that or slap her name on a bunch of redundant cook books highlighting the virtues of turkey burgers with guacamole and lettuce buns and get a show on the Food Network.

HA!  More power to her!

Final Note:

I want Mary to win…although if I worked for her I’d probably drive an icepick into my temple after the first five minutes.  How does one manage adulthood with such an unfortunate voice?

Dear Tanisha Thomas, I don’t give a shit how expensive it is or how many poor Brazilian girls sold their hair to make it happen…this weave looks stupid as hell.  Stop buying it.  You’re making girls everywhere think they want to walk around looking like a monochromatic version of  Neapolitan ice cream.

First it was two colours, now it’s three…next time you’re going to walk around lookin’ like Rainbow Dash.  At what point does a weave cease to be a weave and become a costume instead?  Ugh, let’s have a moment of silence for all that good hair gone to waste.

Proof positive that the quality of hair does not necessarily a good weave make…

Also, I’d like to clarify something.  Just because tv people who bought up rights to 15 year old garbage are in the midst of re-writing nostalgia from the 1990s to give everyone who sucked ass the first time around a go at all the kids born in 1990 who want to pretend they’re nostalgic about something they couldn’t possibly remember doesn’t mean you should get too carried away.

Ray J is 32 years old.

Since when did Ray J have a significant music career beyond a couple of mediocre singles in the hopes of riding on his sister’s coat tails in the late 90′s/early 00′s, and a failed attempt at fame whoring through musical controversy at Kim and Kanye’s expense (didn’t work, or break top 50 in the USA…lol).  Sure, Ray J has logged a lot of hours on VH1…but not because of his music…HA!

Ray J sits down as Tanisha Thomas inflates his past credentials…lollerskates!

Huge R&B Star?  No, here, let me tell you what everyone else is thinking (but won’t tell you because they like it when you give them free stuff…lol) your sister, Brandy was a huge R&B star, you’re just the guy who fucked Kim Kardashian.

Sorry…gotta keep it 100.

Anyway, everyone knows the only reason anyone sat through 2 episodes of this bullshit was to see Rocky and Shannon…

“Why yes, as a matter of fact we ARE cooler than you bitches…HA!”

…who looked like two rejects ready to rush the stage at a Kesha concert.

Also, can we please put a moratorium on the phrase, “at the end of the day” I’m tired of hearing it in reality television as some sort of “omg listen to me I’m so intense and this is the end all be all of epiphanies…” and hearing people in real life regurgitate it like they’re some sort of fucking guru.  It’s obnoxious as hell.

Let this serve as notice to you, “at the end of the day” is the new “hella” …seriously.

Anyway, grats to winner Jennifer Hardwick…and yes, I totally called it.

Oh, and for the record, I think she knew she was pregnant the entire time…way to winning…HA!

I love tattoos, but when it comes to perfection, symmetry and straight lines the tightness of a gnat’s asshole does not begin to describe the depths of my anal retentiveness.

Just the thought that someone who thinks kerning is the newest viral attempt to replace planking might be writing letters on another person in permanent ink makes my skin crawl…

A Word About Fashion

Is there a law that everyone in the tattoo world has to try their hardest to look like the community colouring book in the kid’s corner at the dentist’s office?

The skill of a tattoo artist is not directly proportional to the amount of tattoos the artist has or the gauge of his/her piercings (lol 2003 called…they want their bone plugs back…).  It wouldn’t be so bad if the tattoos were actually GOOD but most of these artists run around like a billboard for what looks like the work of a 15 year old in his mother’s kitchen with a mail order tattoo gun.

I’m not saying everyone needs to wear pearls and cardigans (and the ones who do are usually more annoying than the colouring books…)…I am saying that if an artist has high standards concerning their own skin I’m more likely to think they’ll respect mine.

Tattoo Shows

You know that part of summer where you get change gears from Joe Capobianco’s fucking annoying ass rockabilly hair and uniform of bowling shirts to Dave Navarro’s annoying ass split ends and effeminate sunglasses….?  It’s tattoo reality show season!!!

“It might look like I have the department store box colour hair of a Marilyn Manson crazed 14 year old girl circa 1996 but I actually pay a shit load of money to look like I don’t give a shit…oh, and I stole my mom’s sunglasses…”

Ooo Dave Navarro is so cool because he wears an ankh and a sterling silver Ouija board pointer…dude’s not wearing sunglasses ’cause he’s a rock star…it’s to hide the crow’s feet.  No, I’m not joking.  He’s fucking 46 and still sings songs about cocaine.  I bet he’s pissed off that Eric Clapton won’t retire so he can corner the market on cocaine crooning (last alliteration, I promise…rofl).  Clapton’s fucking 68 and still sings songs about cocaine.  HA!

So what’s the difference between Best Ink and Ink Master?  Best Ink is the Tattoo Magazine show.  Ink Master is the Inked Magazine show.

That’s it.

Other than that you’ll get to see a bunch of industry veterans act like a bunch of elitist douchebags when they themselves couldn’t throw a line I’d want within 10 feet of my own skin.  Just because you’ve been doing something for 30 years doesn’t mean you’re good at it.

Dear Dave Navarro, if I tell you that you look like a male version of Neil Gaiman’s “Death” will you stop trying so hard? Just curious…

Contestant Quality Control

I really want to know how they find these people because I think instead of scouring the continent looking for the best to compete, the casting director goes on Yelp.com in a few major cities and picks people based on reviews, age, fashion sense and body mass index.

Usually each season has 2 or 3 good artists.  Everyone else is just filler and at the end they had the one that sucks least a big cardboard cheque…

So Tatu Baby got the best tattoo with this gimp handed gypsy:

Holy shit your tattoo has tattoos…tattooception!!!

I mean you would think, in an industry that prides its self on a brutal rite-of-passage type master/apprentice structure, that something as fundamental as anatomy and perspective would be required before one could move on from “apprentice” status…

Tatu Baby has good raw talent.  She just needs some guidance.

Sometimes I feel like masters nowadays hold back from their apprentices (and not just in the tattoo profession…) so that they can always be just a little bit better than their progeny…where as maybe 25 years ago something like that would have been unconscionable.

I’ve watched every tattoo reality show (when I said I watch a shit load of reality television, I meant elephants with laxative laced peanuts have nothing on me…) and for having recruited the “best” from “around the country” I’ve seen people walk away with shit spelled wrong, shit backwards and just plain shit.

I get the contorted look is supposed to emphasize the unbridled rage of the screaming baboon…this was the “worst” tattoo…and for the record I thought the tongue looked more like a part of female anatomy than male…HA (actually…EWW.  it’s on that dude’s chest…forever)

Seriously, one asshole contestant actually tattooed the time HE was born on HIS client!  It’s almost like these shows are a “who’s who” of walking, talking red flags and embarrassments to the industry.

They should call these shows what they are…it’s more like “MasterChef” for tattoo artists, not a best of breed competition.

My Picks for Best and Worst

Here are MY picks for best tattoos from episode 1:

Cover-ups by Joshua Hibbard on left and E.S. on the right. How the HELL is the Gypsy with a flat nose better than these two tattoos (which also have issues, don’t get me wrong…)

I don’t have any favourites from episode 2′s anatomical challenge because if I was a judge I’d have sent them ALL home and re-cast the entire season.  That shit was embarrassing (take a look).  Ok the arthritis guy’s hand tattoo was good but he’s going to have to get that white touched up to maintain the look…judging by his condition that’s just a little bit fucked up (and by a little I mean a lot).  Tattooing is more than just pretty pictures, an artist has to consider what’s best for the client too…

So…who do I think should have gone home?  The bald chick with the Hello Kitty bow tattoo on her forehead, Miss Maddie.  Please.  Before she does this to any more people:

Maddie LaBelle’s bowling ball dragon/wonky castle cover up and her anatomical ribcage that looks more like a zombie shrimp cocktail with kidney beans…

To think she’s been doing this to people for FIVE YEARS is almost as criminal as the fact that she thinks she’s good.  Sure, she’s passionate…which is the perfect prerequisite for a good apprentice not a contestant on a reality show where the prize is “Ink Master”…  For once the judges are right, she is severely outclassed here.

Who is a real ink master?  Those guys on Tattoo Nightmares.  Every week they turn out some sick and impossible cover-ups.  That Jasmine chick is amazing.

Wow.  This is really sad.  I mean at first I was laughing my ass off…but wow.  I always knew Teresa and Joe Giudice were about as legitimate as Tareq and Michaele Salahi (White House Party Crashers…lol) but I’m pretty sure that they’ve managed to create a whole new level of hubris.

Oh come on, don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten these goofballs…(Official White House Photo by Samantha Appleton, public domain).

If they get away with this I can’t decide if I’ll lose all faith in humanity or be catatonically in awe of their epic ability to avoid all responsibility and consequences for their actions.

I mean it’s funny to laugh at Teresa’s narcissism and Juicy Joe’s stupidity on tv…and what we see in a reality show might be edited, partially scripted or altogether staged…

…but this is some pretty heavy real-life type shit.

I’m disappointed.  Not because Teresa or Joe ever fooled me into thinking they were sincere about anything but because this is sick.

Bad Decisions and Ugly Furniture

People make bad choices every day but it takes a special brand of person to chose money over family…or to bring four beautiful children into the world while living a felony.

…thought I’d break up the heaviness of this subject with a picture of Janice Dickenson kissing.

The kicker is that Teresa and Joe probably could have had a pretty comfortable middle class life without the crime.

The other kicker is how many other children suffered because their parents’ contracting company fell victim to the Guidice scam?  How many college funds were lost?  How many lives were shattered so that Theresa and Joe could spend $60,000 in cash on gaudy furniture…and sit in their living room, hi-fiving each other sipping that repackaged Arbor Mist (spoiler alert, it’s fruit flavoured low alcohol wine…rofl) Teresa calls “Fabalini” …

Ok so I made that last part up…

Why Joe Gorga hates Joe Guidice

Scratch the silly jealousy issues between Teresa and Melissa…

I think THIS was the elephant in the room every time Joe Gorga and Joe Guidice were within 20 feet of each other and Joe Gorga held his tongue out of respect and love for his sister.

Really, this indictment puts a lot of things that happened on the show into perspective.

All the stuff with Teresa’s parents notwithstanding, I wonder if Joe Gorga didn’t introduce Joe Guidice to his contacts in construction only for Joe Giudice to proceed to screw them all over and act like nothing happened…

Joe Giudice channels Phaedra Parks as he does his best to look confused as fuck when being asked a question in plain English…

Putting on Airs vs Stealing…

It’s one thing to lie about being rich on TV…everyone does it (‘spot the fake Birkin’ is the world’s best reality tv drinking game…except during RHOV…where u run the risk of passing out in the first 10 minutes…HAHAHA)…

…it’s quite another to forge wage forms, lie on mortgage applications, stiff contractors, not pay taxes and laugh all the way to the bank while filming a television show bragging about how much money you spend.

I really hope, for her sake, that the wallpaper isn’t ACTUALLY made of gold (but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is…HA).

Crime is not Fabulous.  Lies are not Fabulous.  Stealing is not Fabulous.  Forgery is not Fabulous.  The word Fabulous and all of it’s derivatives should file a restraining order against Theresa.

My Prediction

They’ll play stupid and cop a plea deal, she’ll play victim (yawn) but I don’t see them getting divorced.

Joe might do time and get deported (he’s an Italian citizen), she’ll get probation and/or house arrest so she can stay home with the kids.

They’ll try to sell the rights for a TV Movie and book deal only to be reminded that it’s illegal to profit from crime…but somehow they’ll find out a way to do it anyway through a book that serves more as a passive aggressive response to Melissa Gorga’s “Love Italian Style” book than an actual description of over a decade of crime.

Denial or an Act?

Oh, and I don’t buy for one second that Teresa’s in denial.  She knows exactly what’s going on…and so do the kids…

Ever wonder how whoring your 12 year old out on Twitter could bite you in the ass?  Yep, this is it…assuming Teresa cares about her kids’ feelings…and I’m assuming she does…  Those poor kids’ll have to attend boarding school in Siberia to get away from jokes about this in the school yard.

…in 10-15 years Gia’s going to write a book…and it’s going to be a best seller…HA!

Read the NY Post article about the indictment here.

What I don’t understand is where these canvas people get off trying to control the artist.   You signed up for a FREE tattoo on a reality show and while you might be able to tell the artist what you like the whole idea is that the challenge theme/artist picks what you get because the artist is trying to win a fucking contest.  Duh.

For once, I actually agree with Dave Navarro…!

Increasingly it looks like these human canvases are operating under the impression that they can walk in and intimidate the artist into giving them what THEY want…like that one canvas on the garter challenge.  …asking for lettering and all sorts of crazy shit and her artist said, “this is a garter challenge, we have to tattoo a garter.  that’s it.”

If you want to get a tattoo of Jaye Davidson making love to Obi-Wan Kenobi under the Eiffel Tower during a solar eclipse…you’re going to have to PAY for it.  Seriously.

Canvas Natalie vs James Danger

What Canvas Natalie did to James Danger was disgusting and hard to watch.  It was very clear that she walked in there gunning for her 15 minutes of fame.

There is a special brand of people out there who once they realize someone is terrified of confrontation, get off on needling them into a panic attack.  When the victim finally snaps, they’re the same people who turn around and act like they have no idea what happened.

I signed up for a free tattoo on a reality show and punked out when I couldn’t pick the design…

This is very evident in Canvas Natalie’s version of “what happened”:

Dave Navarro: “So, Natalie, tell us what happened.  What went wrong today?”

Canvas Natalie: “To start off everything was ok…and then his hand was shaking, so I kind of was taken aback and I axed [sic] him about that and he said ‘well it’s you, you’re making me nervous’…I actually got scared.”

******Under what STRETCH of the imagination was everything OK…ever…in the exchange between these two.  She tries to make it sound like JDanger was nervous but she conveniently leaves out the 30 minutes of constant needling that got him into that state to begin with!******

Dave Navarro: “So ultimately, when it came down to the wire and you were going to walk out of here–”

Canvas Natalie: “I wasn’t, I had no intention of leaving.  He said ‘I am not the artist for you’”

******Um…no, you were yelling at him telling him it was “all about the tattoo” trying to get HIM to say something that would justify you walking out…******

Dave Navarro: “You’re saying to us that James decided, ‘this isn’t working, we shouldn’t do this’?”

Canvas Natalie: “He punked out”

******No, he didn’t punk out…SHE DID.  Canvas Natalie signed up to get a free tattoo on a reality show and when she realized she couldn’t intimidate the artist to do her design of choice SHE PUNKED OUT.******

This is really what was said right before Canvas Natalie walked out:

Canvas Natalie: “It’s all about the tattoo, say it now, we’re done”

*********WHAT SHOW ARE YOU ON?  Of course it’s all about the tattoo.  I see what she’s doing here, she was trying to bully him into a position where he could either give her exactly what she wanted or she’d walk out…and as exhausted as he was JDanger wasn’t going to touch what she wanted with a 10 foot pole!*********

James Danger: “You know what, you’re right, I don’t th– I’m not the artist for you”

Canvas Natalie: “That’s it!” *client walks out*

Judge’s Takes

I think Dave Navarro was spot on when he said, “I feel like she pushed him into a corner where he said, maybe I’m not the guy for you.”

…and that Chris Nunez was absurd to say, “Bedside manner is everything.  You put your hand on her arm and you go, ‘hey…we’re going to work through this, we’re good.’”

This is not Dr. Phil, this is Ink Master…this guy’s definition of ‘bedside manner’ is paternalistic and a lawsuit waiting to happen…

———-> Really Chris?  At what point in your WILDEST imagination do you honestly think putting hands on this woman would have resulted in anything less than a BIG FAT FUCKING LAWSUIT?  Come on.

Now I can see Chris Nunez’s other point.  I don’t think I’d have gone so far as to call JDanger a bitch but in all theory, as an adult, JDanger should have control over his own emotions.

That being said, we live in the REAL WORLD where to some people a bad look from a complete stranger can ruin their entire day.

No one should be able to needle someone to the point of a panic attack but if every adult was in complete control of their own mental faculty there’d be no such thing as alcohol and Zoloft.

It’s Ok To Walk Away

In a REAL tattoo shop the canvas has more control because the canvas is PAYING for the tattoo…but that doesn’t mean that a canvas can bully an artist either.  If a canvas isn’t comfortable with an artist he/she has the right to walk out just as easily as an artist can tell a client, “I’m not the artist for you.”

Walking away does not make a client a problem or an artist any less of an artist…infact I would argue that the opposite is true.

At his exit interview James Danger said, “The judges keep saying ‘being ink master, part of that is being able to deal with problem clients’ No, it’s fucking not.  I don’t tattoo problem clients.  I think it’s ridiculous.”  …and I agree.

Someone who is willing to tattoo “anyone” is more of a money whore than an Ink Master…and someone who will try to talk a canvas out of what they want because they lack the skill to execute it (instead of referring them elsewhere) is just a bullshit artist (literally HAHA!).

Canvas Natalie is the kind of girl who will get a tattoo from some overconfident scratcher and act like it’s exactly what she wanted to preserve her ego.

Shit, I can hear her now…, “No, it’s like that on purpose!”…LOL!

WORST PART IS

All this drama with crybaby canvas overshadowed the delightful work Tatu Baby accomplished when thrown an octogenarian canvas for the elimination challenge!

Note to self, if you get a wild hair up your ass for a crazy back tattoo at 84…call Tatu Baby!

They didn’t even air who actually “won” the challenge (although a ‘Judge’s Pick‘ is on the website)…but my pick would be Tatu Baby.  Totally redeemed herself from the gimp handed gypsy of week one in my book…lol.

I don’t really write about this show because I feel like it’s a fake contest created to make a new cooking show look like the product of a competition instead of a cleverly staged marketing plot (haha…c’mon now).

That being said, I actually feel like the person I <3 the most has a real chance of winning this time so I’m saying something about it.

Look at the love in this chick’s eyes when she says the word “cooking”…this shit’s legit.

Also, I get the weird feeling Alton Brown has some kind of terminal disease.  No, I’m not psychic.  I wish him the best.  Good Eats forever!!!

…while I have nothing against sandwiches I want the world to know I wanted so much for Ippy Aiona to win last season.

It’s clear that Ryan grew up in one of those families where they have furniture no one is allowed to sit on…and Lydia grew up in one of those families where you don’t buy furniture you can’t afford to replace.

I’m not going to turn this into a Sociology lesson but let’s just suffice it to say the following:

In Ryan’s world putting feet up on a couch is a sign of disrespect and bad manners…in Lydia’s world putting feet on a couch means you’re using it.

One way isn’t good, bad or better than the other, they’re just different.  Ryan and Lydia’s mother, Judy, come from two different cultures.

Anyway, fuck the couch…

…the couch isn’t the issue…it’s where Ryan got off thinking he had the authority to kick ANYONE out of a house that isn’t his.

“I’m going to throw her ass out, I’m not fucking around!”  Ryan flexes his angry face.

OK.  REALITY CHECK.

At what point does renting a room in your mother-in-law’s house give you the authority to reproach a guest at HER party?

I’ve just about had it up to my eyeballs with this guy parading around like he’s some sort of fucking feudal lord when he doesn’t even own any property…

…and SHAME ON VICKI FOR INDULGING IT!

Vicki should have checked his ass the second he tried to put up all those video cameras…don’t you live in a gated community?

Come on Vicki.  It wasn’t for safety, it was Ryan’s personal nanny-cam for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER.  The sad part is that I know deep down inside you know this.

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED

I suck at re-telling stories, so here’s the exact quotes of what happened between Ryan and Lydia’s mom:

Ryan: “Why do you got your feet on the couch?”

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “If you don’t watch out I’m going to fairy dust you…and then you’ll be sparkly”

Ryan: “I’ll throw you out you don’t put your feet off my couch.  I ain’t fucking around…I don’t care how drunk you are, I’ll throw your ass out.”

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “Excuse me sir, but I’ve had one drink… And don’t piss me off.”

Ryan: “I don’t give a fuck how many drinks you’ve had… I’ll throw you out right now.  Don’t say I won’t.”

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “Who are you?”

Ryan: “Do I need to tell you?  I own, I live here so I will throw you out right now.”

***rofl***

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “Oh, I should have known.”

***It’s funny how Ryan takes this to mean that Judy recognizes that he’s important…when clearly Judy’s tone was more like, “Haha oh I’ve come fact to face with the controlling little shit I’ve heard so much about…”  Probably better that her tone was lost on Ryan.***

Ryan: “Should have known, you want to leave?  It’ll happen like that *snaps fingers* “

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “Well I’m sorry if I disrespected you…”

***It’s interesting how her tone changes here, she’s clearly been educated on how to deal with egocentric boys lol…she’s smarter than she lets on***

Ryan: “You are sorry, it’s fine”

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “…but my feet hurt so I put them up.”

Ryan: “Well if your feet hurt go get a fucking massage.”

Lydia’s Mom (Judy): “Would you stop using the word ‘fuck’?”

***Here Judy lets him know she’s actually the alpha and he should respect her…and from here the drama spills out into the rest of the party***

It’s sad because Vicki was clearly mortified.  At no point does she want anyone to think that in her house a piece of furniture is more valuable than the comfort of a guest…

MILITARY EXCUSES

Why do I feel like somehow Ryan’s controlling behavior is going to be explained away at the reunion because he’s in the Marines or because he’s stressed about his impending deployment to Afghanistan.  I’m going to go right on ahead and throw down the bullshit flag right here.

It’s NOT OK.

She might be an old stoner but Lydia’s Mom, Judy, is sharp as a tack!

It’s not manly, it’s not a product of being in the military and it certainly has nothing to do with deployment.

Ryan is socially awkward, clearly feels out of place around his wife’s family, and overcompensates by trying to control the situation. (yes, that was an oxford comma)

He lacks discipline and could use a good spanking…(not the fun kind with feathers).

The fact that anyone in their right mind would let this kid carry a GUN is absurd…considering he clearly LACKS THE CAPACITY to control himself at a freakin’ PARTY let alone follow orders in the desert.  Shit like that gets people killed.

It’s almost comical how he demands respect but lives in his mother-in-law’s house, running around acting like it’s his…

***Conspiracy Theory Alert***

I wonder if Vicki should be scared of Ryan and Brianna trying to create a case that she’s unfit to control her own assets because she’s a drunk or something and steal the house right from under her…because while I don’t think Brianna’s a bad person I do think that she’s got shit for self esteem and probably wouldn’t protest Ryan if her life depended on it.

WHERE ARE BRIANNA’S FRIENDS?

Brianna’s not a bad person…but just between us girls (RuPaul voice…:P) what’s the first thing that runs through your mind when one of your friends gets married and gains a bunch of weight.

Yes, I just wrote this entire segment and heard it in RuPaul’s voice.

I don’t need to say it…

Every time you hang out with her she acts like everything’s perfect.  Every time he’s embarrassing in public she pretends not to notice.  Every time he says something anyone with two brain cells could tell is absolute bullshit she has an explanation ready.

…until slowly but surely you stop hanging out with her and she disappears.

The crazy thing about RHOC is that it’s been on so long we’ve practically seen Brianna grow up…and yeah I’m not going to act like I know her because I’ve watched her on TV but SHIT ON A STICK if this doesn’t look so bloody out of character for her!!!

Brianna’s Controlling Double Standard

Where are her friends?  She’s still living in the house she grew up in and no one visits?  Ok, in her defense she is going to school and working full time with a baby…but she’s got a blessing in a mom who is willing to help (even if her mom is Vicki haha).

The question is…is it more important to her to try to control her mother’s choices…than it is to do what’s best for her baby.  If Briana and Ryan move out of Vicki’s house we’ll know the answer to that question.

I don’t have a picture of Brooks so here’s Tamara Barney’s dog. How cute is this little guy omg!

We get it, you hate Brooks…but acting like he endangers you or your baby is dramatically controlling and stupid as hell.

Am I the only one who finds it FUNNY AS FUCK that Vicki is doing to her daughter what her daughter did to her?  Namely, dating a guy she doesn’t approve of behind her back…

Now if Vicki was a Sith Lord she’d marry Brooks in a drive-through window and tell Briana about it at a fucking cocktail party…..shit.

Tap Tap No Eracies!

Brianna, my darling, let me be the first to tell you something you’re not going to want to hear: life is not an etch-a-sketch and deployment isn’t going to shake it.

Unless you two have a communicative relationship he is going to come home the same controlling child he left as…only with hardening experiences he will lord over you as to why you’re wrong every time you disagree with him.

Ryan is not a bad person…he just needs to grow the fuck up.

I can’t believe this is his second marriage (oh wait, yes I can…HA)!

Another Bad Girls Club season?  Already?  Shit they must be filming Season 12 as I write this lol…I want to see them film BGC in North Korea.  Just kidding (…or AM I…ok yes, I’m kidding).

Anyway this season is more like “Six Famewhores Hatin’ on a Player” than the “Bad Girls Club”

Everyone hates Sarah Oliver because she’s hot, has a big ass and doesn’t give a shit what they think. Oh, and she could probably beat everyone up.  She can say some stupid shit but seems harmless until provoked.

So this season we have (in no particular order after Sarah, because Sarah is the Queen)

1) Sarah Oliver the bootylicious blonde

2) Mimi the star-fucker

3) Teresa the Taylor Swift of tattoos (all of her tattoos are about ex-boyfriends…no I’m not making that up)

4) Jazmone the model without a 1099 (that’s a tax form in the United States for independent contractors…and Jazmone doesn’t have one because she whines that no one pays her for modeling.  It’s a very funny joke if you’re an accountant or a total nerd.  I’m not an accountant.)

5-7) Three other pretty girls who are pissed off all the time

Natalie Nunn’s friend, Mylin ”Mimi” Jensen is just mad

This girl thought she’d get into the house and be the center of attention all the time and run shit.  Problem?  The blond chick has a bigger ass, better body and saw through Mimi’s wannabe instigator game the first day.  Ouch.

I’m famous. No, really, I am…but I can’t talk about it. I slept with Rob Kardashian, Justin Bieber and everyone blocks me on Twitter…but a Bad Girl never kisses and tells…

Now, when faced with a problem like this a girl can do one of two things, 1) Join forces and dominate the house 2) Become a boring ass hater

I don’t think I have to say where Mimi wound up…*snooze*

We get it Mimi, you had a “fling” with Justin Bieber…but magically there’s no photos of you and him within 100 miles of each other.  Sounds just about as “real” as Natalie Nunn’s “fling” with Chris Brown…HA.  Girl, it’s not “scandal” if you’re the ONLY ONE TALKING ABOUT IT…

The only reason anyone talks to this chick is because they think she’s got a hook up somewhere to all these celebrities.

Note to self, do NOT play the Mimi Jensen Justin Bieber drinking game…she says “JB” too many times.  I wonder if she didn’t just get drunk and pass out with a bottle of Jim Beam then lie about it…

Pretty sure Sarah’s heart broken that she wasn’t invited to the public laundry mat…not.

I’m not so sure I’d brag about sleeping with Rob Kardashian…and I had to google who the fuck is Dwight Howard (who apparently blocks Mimi on Twitter?)…ok I guess he plays basketball.  I watch reality tv not sports.

Now that I think about it I’m not so sure I’d brag about sleeping with Justin Bieber either…or Chris Brown (especially Chris Brown…HA!)

What sucks is that if Mimi spent half the energy on herself as she did hating on Sarah she might make something of herself after the show instead of scrounging after Natalie Nunn’s breadcrumbs…oh well.

Why Sarah is my Favorite

In the beginning I wasn’t feelin’ blondie.  She said some stupid shit and was annoying as hell with the “let’s hate the new girl” thing…but now that the whole house has turned on her and she hasn’t turned into a crying blob of kissass people pleasing annoyingness, I think I’ve been converted to the Barbie side of the force.

“Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine.” Ok, she didn’t say that.

Damnit. Jazmone was my favorite until she joined the “let’s hate blondie” club.  She’s pretty, graceful and before the mob mentality set in I really thought she was going to be the sophisticated one this season.

She lost me when she let Mimi pay her $100 to lock Sarah in the phone room.

Just when I thought it was impossible to be fake AND thirsty at the same time…BGC never disappoints!

The funniest part wasn’t that Jaz was that hard up, or that Mimi was that fake, it was that instead of begging to be let out Sarah KICKED THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN.

And THAT’s why Sarah Oliver is my favorite bad girl.

Everyone else just looks like they’re auditioning for a part on The View…

Sarah, it’s going to be awkward for you living here because we don’t like you, just go home. $100 says Sarah couldn’t care less and does not feel awkward just because these bitches are hatin’…lol

In fact we can learn a lot from Mimi and Sarah…which is basically the difference between a shit talker and an entrepreneur.

Mimi will meet a guy at the club.  Sarah will get his number, call him and invite him over.

Mimi will talk about getting her hair done.  Sarah will have her stylist make a house call.

Mimi will talk about hooking up with celebrities.  Sarah will get engaged.

In other words Mimi talks and Sarah DOES…

The lesson:

Everyone’s so focused on hating Sarah this season that before they know it the season will be over and the only name anyone will remember is Sarah.

Social Media is Still Fails

Ok, riddle me this Top Model…just from a practical standpoint, how is this supposed to sell clothes?

Next runway will involve Peter Pan, a helicopter and someone dressed as Storm from X-Men…the models will be wearing a line of jewellery loosely inspired by Tolkein fan fiction…

I mean I get it, you’re trying to come up with new and shocking things…

…and arguably, at this point in the life cycle of the show it’s like you’re reaching into the freezer for a snack on a Sunday night and the only thing left is a freezer burned steak wrapped in plastic and some orphaned peas that fell out of that annoyingly unresealable bag of vegetable mix…

…but shit.  Get it together.

Instead of wasting production budget on trying to see how many different ways you can make a bunch of 22 year olds cry how about you invest money in…idunno…

…some FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE SO THAT YOU CAN PROPERLY EXECUTE ALL THE SOCIAL MEDIA CRAP YOU TALK ABOUT IN REAL TIME?

…MORONS.

Two seasons in a ROW with the FAIL ASS social media stuff.  It’s annoying as fuck.

Manson Family Photos

Yes, “that” Manson family.  You have no idea how much I wish I was joking…

So a few weeks ago models got to pose with a Victoria’s Secret angel in what could only be described as a black and white Charles Manson Family themed photo shoot.

…I just went around drawing high fashion x’s on the models’ foreheads…no, I’m not making this up.

Shit.  Ego is one thing (and this show has no shortage of that ha) but this is just straight up ignorant.  Tyra, if you’re going to do makeup please educate your damn self.  I get that you’re trying to sell yourself as a renaissance woman but let me tell you before the rest of the internet does (I’m marginally nicer)…you’re doing it wrong.

In probably one of the earliest examples of attention whoring, Charles Manson carved an X into his forehead to symbolize removing himself from society, later he turned it into a swastika to piss people off even more…as if murder wasn’t enough to get attention.

…so in the double edged sword that is Top Model, contestants got a portfolio photo with a well known supermodel…unfortunately they look like Manson Family rejects.  Awesome not awesome.

Where does this leave me?

I’m going to file the rest of ANTM Season 20 in the “TIVO it and watch it if it’s raining nuclear waste outside and I have to hide in a bunker to avoid the zombie apocalypse…and all of my True Blood DVDs are broken and some asshole burned all of my books” folder.

hey, it could happen…

I was cleaning up my drafts folder and found this article about RHOM last season…

**********Enjoy!**********

For me, this trainwreck of a season couldn’t end fast enough.  The reunion, honestly, was the only interesting part and strangely enough told me more about the ladies in 2 hours (ok, 80 minutes after commercials…) than an entire season of filming and editing.

So here’s my wrap up of the season and my opinions about what’s really going on.

…that’s what she said!

LEAH VS LISA

At the beginning of the season Lea was threatened by Lisa.

She might paint things one way on the show but it’s very clear that society only puts up with her because her husband is everyone’s lawyer.  She knows this and wields the weapon quite freely to get her way.

Lea was threatened by Lisa’s party to the point where her +2 were people known to be feuding with other guests.  To pretend that you didn’t know bringing Joe Francis to a lingerie party was a bad idea is akin to acting surprized at the carnage after adding a pirhanna to an aquarium full of goldfish.

Wait, so Joe Francis at a lingerie party ended with a girl crying? I’m sorry, why is everyone so surprised about this? HAHA

Lea was testing her boundaries with Lisa with an extreme situation.  If I were Lisa, at the first second someone told me Joe Francis was running around at my sexy party I’d have had them all escorted out.

Lisa basically told Lea that she is not going to demand respect, she is going to wait for permission to demand respect.  She had the perfect opportunity to assert herself as a strong lady of the house.  She failed.

“Best friends” ?? Anna’s Creepy Obsession w/her Ex-husband

Oh Anna!  If only this season hadn’t focused so much on your boring ass kids and rediculously obnoxious codependent un-relationship with that man begging to be your ex-husband and your disgusting attempts to remain relevant in his life by asserting that you’ll always be his best friend.

Come on, just sign that shit so I can move on with my life…please…shit!

Wow I hated you so damn much it was so pathetic to watch you do his laundry.  That’s his wife’s job.  Ur not his wife.  Let go.  Insisting he get a pre-nup and shallowly disguise it as ‘looking out for your children’ when in reality you’ll do anything to justify in your mind that whatever relationship he has after you will never be anything compared to what he had with you.

Wanting to meet his girlfriend so you could size her up and passive aggressively try to impart to her that she’ll never be as close to your ex-husband as you think you are.  It’s almost like you read a book on how to be the ex-wife-baby-mama from hell.

…but after the divorce you’ll still let me do your laundry, right?

You came off controlling, borderline mentally ill at first I was excited to see an actual lawyer, (not just a lawyer’s wife lol) but it was hard to watch 90% of your footage this season.

That being said, holy shit!  That reunion!  Maybe finally letting go of your ex let you find yourself a little!  I’m looking forward to next season because I want to see you put Lea in her place!

Audriana…I’m not buying it.

Adrianna!  WTF is wrong with you!  You were my favorite housewife last season, strong, intelligent and grounded.  This season you were jealous, catty and ignorant.  It was hard to watch.  All you did was follow Lea around like a little puppy (when re-runs come around, you always see Adrianna 2 steps behind Lea it’s wierd).

…it must be boring being a millionaire, although arguably I don’t think the brunette has any money.

You’re that crazy girl who thinks she can ruin people’s lives when they piss her off.  The way you obsessed over Karent and then Joanna was really ill, it’s almost like you forgot about your own life and career mid-season and did nothing but obsess over them on camera.  It was boring.

The way you went after Joanna completely shattered your facade as far as I’m concerned and I don’t buy your story.  You almost got me…almost.  I don’t believe for one second that was the first time you sucker punched someone.

…Adriana doesn’t like the cocktail dress that Joanna wore to the cocktail party…lol

Here’s what I think happened:  You’re a hustler, you’re very intelligent and you were born very poor with little opportunity.  You’re more street smart than book smart and insanely resourceful.  You’re very good at finding a mark.  You are a scam artist.  You worked your way into parties and made friends easily so by the time someone asked, “Who the hell was that?” someone else had an answer.

You either got knocked up as a mistress and threatened disclosure in exchange for an education in France…or you never when to school in France to begin with.  My money’s on the second part.  People are only important to you as long as they serve some purpose, you use your son. You work so hard at convincing everyone someone else is fake because you are and you are insecure about it.

Holy crap how awesome is Leah’s scarf!

You don’t have a pot to piss in and are very loyal to Lea because she knows the truth and she’d sell you out in a heartbeat if you crossed her.

…and what she might know about everyone else, a weapon she wields quite freely against Anna at the reunion: “If you don’t stop telling lies about me, I’m going to start telling the TRUTH about you!”

I think the biggest problem with this show is the two from Texas.  Send Adrianna and Lea back to Plano where they belong and let’s get the REAL Miami party started.

Wow, just what in the fancy FUCK was that on tonight’s Bad Girl’s Club?  Mimi vs Sarah…

That wasn’t a fight.  That was pure jealousy and hatred manifested through violence.  Period.

Sarah’s ass. That shit’s legit and Mimi just can’t handle it.

What did Sarah do to Mimi that justified potentially being disfigured for life?

Just in case you are just tuning in, tonight’s episode of Bad Girls Club, season 11 featured a fight where starfucker, Mimi Milyn Jensen tried to gouge out model, Sarah Oliver’s eyes and scar her face.

Weak ass Mimi couldn’t win a fight with Sarah…so she jumped her and pulled out her hair and later scratched her face and tried to claw out her eye. Eww.

Read that again…slowly…Mimi tried to GOUGE OUT Sara’s EYES.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

That’s not bad ass…that’s just stupid as hell, weak as hell and pathetic.

That’s the kind of shit you read about in horrific domestic abuse trials or survival stories when someone escapes a rapist…

You’re on a reality show you silly cow (insert royalty cheque to Gordon Ramsay here…ha).  You hate a bitch you beat her up with your FISTS…duh.

Oh, and after Mimi got sent home the morons in the house were mad at SARAH for “getting” MIMI sent home.

Wah, we’re pretty but we hate Sarah because we’re insecure and secretly think she’s hotter than us and hate that she gets all the attention at the clubs without having to be a total skank.

What a fucking joke.

Mimi, congratulations, you’re officially the weakest bitch ever.  Even weaker than that emo chick who only stayed in the house for 10 minutes (lol wtf was that?).

Daaaamn new girl Janelle is tall, thin and could probably do well to watch an eyebrow tutorial on youtube but I swear if Jazmone starts hating on her because she’s a model I’m going to give up on this season and call it the Jealous Hater’s Club.

Teresa’s Roofie Adventure

Well at least we got a nice view of Teresa’s perfect rack and saw how horribly her ex-boyfriend controls her emotions.

Don’t let that boy fuck with ur head…you go out there, dust off your self confidence and find a real man. Disrespecting yourself won’t make him love you more.

While it looked like she got nakid wasted at the club I almost feel like if I found out she was roofied I wouldn’t be surprised.

Alcohol is one thing but she was straight up out of control and if that was JUST alcohol, she’d have thrown up or passed out…

Everyone’s a deer in headlights as Teresa goes ape shit in the limo.

My theory: the taping cuts from the girls in the club to the girls waiting in the limo for 2 of the bad girls getting in because the producers noticed what was going on and pulled the girls out of the club.

Farewell Sarah, I’m going to miss you.

While I hate to see Sarah go, I do agree with the producer’s decision…Sarah’s a bad bitch and wouldn’t walk out, but if she stayed there was a good chance she’d get seriously hurt and it’s easier to send her home than recast the entire season (although unless shit gets better, that’s not an altogether bad idea…)

I do question what kind of precedent this will set for the show.  I’ve said from day one that eventually this show will become a victim of its own escalating extremes.  I’m just surprised someone hasn’t had an earring ripped out yet.

So does this mean that from now on if all the girls gang up on the pretty one with the best ass it’ll be a liability for the producers and they’ll send the hottest chick home?  Somehow I think that’s bullshit.

With Mimi and Sarah gone there’s definitely a power vacuum in the house.  I can’t wait to see who rises to the top.

The whole Real Housewives of Miami plot this season revolves around the fact that Adriana deMoura Sidi has apparently been married to Frederic Marq since 2008.

First of all, let me start by saying she almost fooled me…but not quite.  It sucks ’cause I really liked Adriana until she got all crazy jealous over Joanna.  How do you hate a supermodel who loves puppies?  Shit.

…just when I was wondering who the fuck would buy this stupid pair of sunglasses…

I don’t believe for one second she attended Sorbonne University in Paris…and when her website says she “studied Italian Art in Florence, Italy”  I think “stared at David’s junk for 30 minutes at the museum in Florence” is probably a more accurate assessment of her Italian art education.

So here’s what you want to know but annoyingly enough, no one is telling you

…and why Lea is so pissed off and hurt.

How a Marriage License Works in the United States

1. A couple applies for a marriage license.
2. A couple takes the marriage license to the person who will perform the ceremony.
3. After the ceremony the person who performed it, the couple and at least one witness sign the license.
4. The person who performed the ceremony submits the fully executed (fancy way of saying signed lol) marriage license to the courthouse.
5. The completed marriage license is filed at the courthouse and a marriage certificate is issued and mailed to the couple.
6. The couple lives happily ever after…

Requirements for a marriage license depend on the state in which a couple applies…hence why a marriage in Las Vegas is much easier than a marriage in Maine or Connecticut…

A marriage license does not mean one is married.  A marriage license means that one CAN get married in the period of time before the license expires (again determined by the state issuing the license).  If a couple does not get married before the license expires they have to reapply for a new license.

…sooooooooo

Adriana and Frederic applied, TOGETHER, for a MARRIAGE LICENSE in November of 2008.  Approximately one month later in December of 2008 a MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE was issued to the couple.  Adriana and Frederic will celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary in December of 2013.  Period.

Why Lea is Upset

Lea’s husband is a lawyer and she’s not stupid as hell.  Adriana is riding the public’s general misunderstanding of the difference between a marriage license and marriage certificate, muddying the waters with distractions and personal accusations against everyone who tries to clarify the situation on the show.

Lea does not want to see Adriana “six feet under” or wish her any other manner of ill will.  Lea feels used…like Jill Zarin at the hands of Bethenny Frankel type used…and is hurt about it.

Lea Black talking on a land line…is officially one of my favorite things.

Lea believed Adriana was single.  Lea set Adriana up on dates with her rich friends.  Lea paid Adriana’s son’s back tuition at a private school.  Lea gave Adriana a home.  Those pictures of Adriana with United States President Obama and other politicians on the Bravo website were taken at parties where Adriana was a GUEST OF LEA’s…

Lea is hurt because all the while she thought she was helping Adriana overcome her fear of trust, commitment and relationships Adriana was actually married to a millionaire!

And to top it off Adriana called Lea’s son “socially awkward”…who cares if it’s true or not…who attacks their OWN SON’s best friend?

To say that I’d be pissed if I were Lea is probably the understatement of the century!

Oh hell here’s my theory…

Here’s what I think really happened.

Adriana either

1. Met Frederic, fell in love with him and married him but quickly realized that she had more to gain by pretending to be single in Miami…
2. Met Frederic, fell in love with him and married him but quickly realized that she could probably snag a richer guy if she followed Lea around…
3. Really has been “single” the whole time but made a deal with Frederic to marry for 4 years to get him a green card…in exchange for compensation…and unfortunately for her it’s less punitive at this point to pretend she loves Frederic than to actually expose the green card scheme…HA

At first Adriana thought she could use Lea to set her up with someone richer than Frederic but when that didn’t work, Real Housewives of Miami fell into her lap and she realized that if she made it look like her and Frederic had a relationship that blossomed on the show she could probably get a wedding Spin Off.

Adrianna sells her story to Lisa…it’s a new and improved story that also has no connection to reality.

Adrianna and Lea are BOTH from Plano, Texas.  I don’t know if they knew each other before Miami but I don’t doubt for a SECOND if Lea wanted to completely shatter Adrianna’s façade she could do so with one phone call.

That being said, I don’t think Lea had anything to do with exposing Adriana in the tabloids…Adriana’s just ready to cast Lea off and look for a new mark so she’s trying to kill Lea’s relevance on RHOM.

So I suck at re-telling stories so here’s exact quotes of what Adriana told Lisa:

Adriana: Frederic went by himself and applied for the license.

Lisa: Wait, you don’t have to apply together?

Adriana: It was so long ago I don’t remember details.  SO he applied for the license, in the mean time, you know I’m going on with the wedding plans.  And I want a f-…a good friend of mine, not an ordained priest to perform the ceremony.

Lisa: Ok.

Adriana: And because I wanted her to do it, I had to actually *snaps fingers* have the signing of a justice of the peace before the ceremony, you know what I mean, because otherwise my wedding wouldn’t be legal.

Lisa: Ok.

…Lisa Hochstein, our closet genius!

I love how Lisa handles this.  She knows Adriana’s full of shit, she also knows she doesn’t want to fight with anyone and basically just wants to have fun on the show…so she smiles and nods until she has a chance to change the subject.

“Bitch I know you lyin’…”  Lisa’s not buying what Adriana’s selling…but she also knows Adriana has no real friends outside the show…so she holds out for the inevitable bridesmaid invite HA.

Lisa, I may have underestimated you.  Very nice work.

I always say don’t interrupt someone when they’re lying to you…because you want to know exactly what they look like while they’re doing it.

Who is Jody Lynne Claman Deakin Samways Friedlander?  Who are Jody’s divorces and ex-husbands? Is Jody Jewish?  Who is Mia’s father?  Is Hannah Mia’s daughter?

Honstly, I couldn’t care less.  This woman is just about as interesting to me as stale bagels.

…but since no one else has stepped forward to put on the proverbial rubber research suit I guess I’ll play Indiana Jones for a day…so here u go!

The Run Down

Just like any other pathological liar, Jody’s description of her own life reads like a math word problem…to which there is no answer.  Let me take you on an adventure…through reality…something it looks like (on the show…let me be clear, I never met her lol) this poor woman lost touch with long ago…

Jody takes in the view before leaving for a party.

Born Jody Lynne Claman, Jody’s been married 3 times, divorced 3 times (as of last month) and has 3 different children from 3 different husbands.

She’s from Lower Nicola, a rural town outside Merritt, BC and at age 17, was the runner-up to Miss Teen Vancouver in 1981.  Not kidding.

She has two sisters, converted to Judiasm like her mother, and her father, Peter Charles Claman passed away in 2007.

Here you go (click images to make them bigger) (sorry about the ugly watermarks, they keep honest commercial bloggers honest :-)

———->Jody’s first husband was Michael Deakin

• Michael Deakin is Mia Deakin Claman’s father
• Michael divorced Jody Claman in 1990 (public record)
• Mia was 4 at the divorce (according to Mia’s own twitter)

Also, Jody claims she was very young, naïve and her first marriage didn’t last long.  In 1990 Jody was 26, she had Mia when she was 22…if she was very young when she got married the marriage certainly wasn’t short.

During her marriage to Michael, Jody was known as Jody Lynne Deakin.  After the divorce she returned to her maiden name.

On September 24, 1990 Michael Deakin divorced Jody Lynne Deakin (nee Claman) click image to make it bigger.

So, if you notice the dates on the Supreme Divorce in the above image, the last update to the file was in December of 2008.  This is where the rumors that Jody never divorced her first husband come from…lol…

———->Jody’s second husband was Robert Samways:

He’s the owner of ”A Salon”….you can visit the website here.

• Robert Samways is Joshua’s father
• Robert divorced Jody in 2001 (public record)
• He helped Jody raise Mia

Public record for RHOV Jody Claman’s second divorce, Robert Samways filed against her in 2001. (click image to make it bigger)

NOTE: This bit of reality directly conflicts with Jody’s account, in an interview with the Merritt Herald, she said was a “single mother for 25 years” and traveled the world before making the decision to finally marry again…lol.

———->Jody’s third (and soon to be ex) husband is Eran Friedlander:

CEO of Eagle Star Minerals Corp. you can visit their website here

• Eran Friedlander is Hannah’s father
• Eran divorced Jody in September of 2013
• He helped Jody raise Joshua and Hannah

Totally came across this on accident today while double checking my searches…  Looks like Eran is in the process of divorcing Jody.

Eran Friedlander filed Supreme Family Law Proceedings against Jody Claman a couple weeks ago.  (click image to make it bigger).

***There is a rumor floating around that Jody also has a son by an 18 year old.  It is unclear if this rumor is about Joshua, Hannah or another child altogether.  Although this is unsubstantiated, Jody did claim on the show that MARY slept with an 18 year old so I’m almost inclined to believe there’s some truth in this given Jody’s history of projection…well let me just say if I found out it were true I wouldn’t blink.***

So Who IS Hannah’s Father?

The big Van City buzz is that Hannah is actually Mia’s daughter…but until I see proof it’s just a rumor.

While this wouldn’t surprise me, Peter Claman’s obituary (Jody’s Father) from 2007 lists Hannah as a grand-daughter…so if Hannah is Mia’s daughter, the decision to raise her as Jody’s daughter was a family one, made long before the show.

If Mia truly is Hannah’s mother, Hannah doesn’t know it…and the “Coquihalla/Gillis House” is a nursing home in Merritt, BC.

Image source

——–>If Hannah really IS Mia’s daughter, my guess is Hannah’s father is very rich, very married and goes to great lengths to remain very anonymous…

So What

It’s no secret that Jody’s got some pretty crazy skeletons in her closet, she even brags about how she fully intends to take them to the grave.

…which is a pretty bold statement considering the fact that she comes from a small town and is on a reality show…lol.

More power to her, I just really don’t want to see another season of her throwing tantrums and ruining everyone’s parties…HA!